I used to be able to read this thing. Now, I can barely stomach one or two posts.
Look, future Shay, right now, you’re feeling pretty crummy. You’re lonely, but you also feel like a shit person and friend so you don’t deserve the few friends you have. Overall, you’re pretty depressed. [Next part: Redacted due due to whininess and the fact that some thoughts should stay thoughts]

Thus, your posts in this phase of life are excessively whiny and juvenile. Ha?

Just run with it and hopefully it ends soon.

Phases

I’ve been through a lot of phases in my life. Changed my beliefs like I was changing my underwear.

 

Not much else to this post. I just wanted to remind myself the extent of my dumbassness/douchebaggery. It keeps me humble.

Time to Shut it

“I speak my mind because that’s who I am.”

Time and time again, I’ve shut that statement down. I have ranted about how it’s a crutch people use to be mean.

Today, I justified my actions using that faulty reasoning. Today, I learned that it’s not only an excuse to be mean, it’s an excuse to be self-centered. A friend needed my support. She had a bad day and needed a friend to lean on. I didn’t necessarily agree with her argument, but in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t impact me all that much. Instead of being a friend, I lectured her to try to show her my perspective so she could learn why she was wrong. I turned her crummy day into a teaching opportunity to prove my point.

When I realized how unnecessary my comments were, my justification was “I am an honest person and I couldn’t just agree if I thought it was wrong. I speak my mind because that’s who I am.” Now, I’m not saying everyone should be a push-over and compromise their morals every time a friend disagrees and has a bad day. I’m saying, “pick your battles.” Know when it’s time to prove your point and when it’s time to simply be a supportive friend.

Today, I should’ve been a supportive friend.

It’s definitely strange hyper-analyzing every action I do. Honestly, this was a 2 text conversation that was about 5 minutes out of my entire day. I’m hoping I did some good things today too, but this one sticks out to me. It is, sometimes, very shameful to be aware of my flaws. I feel that no one ever talks about being the asshole, we always only speak up when we’re the victim of an asshole. But the more I grow up, the more I realize how much closer I lean to the asshole end of the spectrum than the victim of assholes end. But I don’t want to be there. My whole life I believed there were good people and bad people. I was one of the good ones. I don’t know where I lie anymore. I want to be a better person. Maybe I’ll start small.

I think I’m doing all I can on being a better daughter. I could probably work on being a better sister but that’s a situation I don’t know what to do with. So, what are some specific things I can do to be a better friend? I feel like this whole blog is me ranting about my issues and wanting to be a better person without making any real effort to be one. What are realistic goals I can set for myself to not be so shitty?

Better Friend:

  • Talk less, listen more.
  • Don’t be that person who needs to “one up” everything.
  • Choose your battles. What is important to you? What do you think is valuable and worth fighting for? What is not as important and worth the compromise?

 

Side note: Is it weird I have to do this? Is it weird I need to make a conscious effort to not be an asshole? It often feels that everyone has it together and I’m the only one that’s naturally a bag of dicks. I’m going to tell myself that many people are assholes and need to make bullet point lists on how to be less shit of a human being.

 

 

Moving day yet?

I’d like to get to a point where I’m genuinely happy for other people’s success and not feel that twinge of envy.

Life is good for me and I’m so grateful to be where I am, but I’d still like to knock a bitch down when I see them standing up on their pedestal. I know it makes me a hypocrite since I lived on mine for so long, but I guess a part of me misses being a resident of that location since I’ve moved to Humbleness Place.

I think I just need to get off of Facebook. It’s hard constantly reminding myself we’re only seeing a snapshot of the joy and none of the struggle it took to get there.

Birthday: Year 5

Today is March 8, 2017. I have been 25 for one whole day. I have gleaned much experience as a 25 year old in these 24 hours. Just kidding. You might as well call me Jon Snow because I know nothing.

It’s actually getting difficult to write in here, but I was consistent for 4 years and I managed to miss this on my actual birthday yesterday (it was a HELL of a day, maybe one day I’ll write about it). What words of wisdom do I have to say for this one? It’s interesting, because as you get older and the more you learn, the more you realize how little you actually know.

It’s finals week (I’m in pharmacy school, guys! Who would’ve thought?), so my brain is a little scrambled. But this post will be dedicated to my friends who are reminding me what friendship is– my friends who make me feel like ass because I realized I have never in my life been a friend to someone the way they are to me– my friends who have been my rock through both the nightmares and wonders of being in your 20s and in professional school.

When I moved to Savannah, I wanted to keep my head down and just power through school. Blah blah blah failures, embarrassment, shame (you know the drill), but these girls wormed their way into my life and into my heart and I am a better person for it.

It’s been a quarter of a century and it’s been a fucking roller coaster. I often feel the panic bubbling inside because I am 25. I should be getting my affairs in order to settle down in a few years, but I feel so far from that. My brain is running a 1ooo miles/minute constantly, I don’t even know where I’ll be living in a few months, how am I supposed to know what I’ll be doing in 2 years? Marriage, kids, a family, my career, my parent’s happiness— All of this is looming over my head, and I have no answers. I have nothing to end this paragraph with to give me solace or closure because I’m going through this now in real time. I’m not editing a vlog a day later to create a storyline, this is LIVE STREAM, baby (let’s see how these references hold up with time).

Happy (belated) 25th birthday, Shay. (Is it weird that I write birthday posts to myself? Meh, just pretend someone wrote this for me and I’m not a crazy person. I have friends, I SWEAR. I’m not making these people up. I think. God, I hope not. Now, that would be a plot twist).

Christmas

 

As the end of 2016 approaches, I find myself reminiscing on the past year, replaying the significant moments over and over again in my head. What could I have done different? How could I have been better?

2016, like the past few years, is one I look back on solemnly. I don’t know if this is just a part of growing up or something I’m experiencing alone, but I find myself more disappointed in who I’m growing up to be. Once upon a time, I believed I was a good person, but I don’t know what that means to me anymore.

My life has been filled with failures. I never got into med school in the United States. I failed out of the one I did get into in the Caribbean. I failed in many of my friendships. I failed as a Christian. I failed as a leader to the kids in my church. 2016 highlighted those failures and solidified my status as a certified asshole– not just in the big events, but in all the small moments. All the times I said “let me know how I can help” with no intention of following through. All the times I talked about people behind their backs and ate into gossip. All the times, I stood with no morals swaying in whatever direction the wind blew.

In 2017, I’ll be turning 25. I’d like to spend the next year in joy with pride in who I am and what I have. Man, I’m so blessed. We had a huge Christmas party at my house with friends and family. I just finished my 2nd semester of pharmacy school. I’ve met some great friends who are reminding me what friendship really is. This is not at all how I thought my life would turn out and I’m not the person I thought I would be today, but I’d like to end the year accepting who and where I am.

Merry Christmas.