My First Love

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16

I loved Christ. I loved him so much. He was my everything. He knew me on every level and loved me for who I was. He not just forgave, but wiped clean, all the wrongs I’ve committed or thought. No one has done that for me. It’s not possible for a human to forgive and forget like that, but he did. And more than that, he loved me. No one has ever loved me like that.

But then I learned the reason he loves me like no human can is because he’s not real. As Christians, we’re all these little psychopaths putting our love in this imaginary being, but it’s okay because millions of other people around the globe are doing it. But that’s also exactly what faith is. It’s not knowing, but believing anyway. And when you think about it, it’s insanity! It’s like your friend Jim saying he has this friend Bob he’s never seen, met, or spoken to, but he loves him and “talks” to him every day in his head.

And this was my biggest heart break. My God who loved me is not real. How could my parents and everyone in my life allow me to love so deeply something that’s not real? Why would they lead me to this eventual heartbreak?

But the sad truth is, even though I know he’s not real, a part of me still wants to believe. I want to believe there is something bigger than us out there. I want to believe in my God, the one I put all my hope in my whole life– and so I will. It makes no sense and I don’t think I’ll ever believe like I did when I was younger. But I have hope. It is a small glimmer of hope, but it’s there and it gives me peace. So I join the band of crazies and put my faith in this God and hope he still loves me.

I used to be able to read this thing. Now, I can barely stomach one or two posts.
Look, future Shay, right now, you’re feeling pretty crummy. You’re lonely, but you also feel like a shit person and friend so you don’t deserve the few friends you have. Overall, you’re pretty depressed. [Next part: Redacted due due to whininess and the fact that some thoughts should stay thoughts]

Thus, your posts in this phase of life are excessively whiny and juvenile. Ha?

Just run with it and hopefully it ends soon.


I’ve been through a lot of phases in my life. Changed my beliefs like I was changing my underwear.


Not much else to this post. I just wanted to remind myself the extent of my dumbassness/douchebaggery. It keeps me humble.

Time to Shut it

“I speak my mind because that’s who I am.”

Time and time again, I’ve shut that statement down. I have ranted about how it’s a crutch people use to be mean.

Today, I justified my actions using that faulty reasoning. Today, I learned that it’s not only an excuse to be mean, it’s an excuse to be self-centered. A friend needed my support. She had a bad day and needed a friend to lean on. I didn’t necessarily agree with her argument, but in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t impact me all that much. Instead of being a friend, I lectured her to try to show her my perspective so she could learn why she was wrong. I turned her crummy day into a teaching opportunity to prove my point.

When I realized how unnecessary my comments were, my justification was “I am an honest person and I couldn’t just agree if I thought it was wrong. I speak my mind because that’s who I am.” Now, I’m not saying everyone should be a push-over and compromise their morals every time a friend disagrees and has a bad day. I’m saying, “pick your battles.” Know when it’s time to prove your point and when it’s time to simply be a supportive friend.

Today, I should’ve been a supportive friend.

It’s definitely strange hyper-analyzing every action I do. Honestly, this was a 2 text conversation that was about 5 minutes out of my entire day. I’m hoping I did some good things today too, but this one sticks out to me. It is, sometimes, very shameful to be aware of my flaws. I feel that no one ever talks about being the asshole, we always only speak up when we’re the victim of an asshole. But the more I grow up, the more I realize how much closer I lean to the asshole end of the spectrum than the victim of assholes end. But I don’t want to be there. My whole life I believed there were good people and bad people. I was one of the good ones. I don’t know where I lie anymore. I want to be a better person. Maybe I’ll start small.

I think I’m doing all I can on being a better daughter. I could probably work on being a better sister but that’s a situation I don’t know what to do with. So, what are some specific things I can do to be a better friend? I feel like this whole blog is me ranting about my issues and wanting to be a better person without making any real effort to be one. What are realistic goals I can set for myself to not be so shitty?

Better Friend:

  • Talk less, listen more.
  • Don’t be that person who needs to “one up” everything.
  • Choose your battles. What is important to you? What do you think is valuable and worth fighting for? What is not as important and worth the compromise?


Side note: Is it weird I have to do this? Is it weird I need to make a conscious effort to not be an asshole? It often feels that everyone has it together and I’m the only one that’s naturally a bag of dicks. I’m going to tell myself that many people are assholes and need to make bullet point lists on how to be less shit of a human being.



Moving day yet?

I’d like to get to a point where I’m genuinely happy for other people’s success and not feel that twinge of envy.

Life is good for me and I’m so grateful to be where I am, but I’d still like to knock a bitch down when I see them standing up on their pedestal. I know it makes me a hypocrite since I lived on mine for so long, but I guess a part of me misses being a resident of that location since I’ve moved to Humbleness Place.

I think I just need to get off of Facebook. It’s hard constantly reminding myself we’re only seeing a snapshot of the joy and none of the struggle it took to get there.