“Stop. Stop waiting for some dream day when you’ll get you fresh start. Let loose the wild things you keep locked up in your heart. Stop hoping to make it if you do nothing about trying, because we’re all headed towards death. So what are you doing about dying? Stop talking about killing time, while time quietly kills you. Talk is cheap. And every second is as precious as life itself.”
I’m waiting for that dream day. I never realized it, but it’s true. I fantasize about it all the time. I think about this life changing moment that forces me to face life head on. This moment where I’m forced with no other decision but to move away from the direction I’m going now. This moment that gives me the courage I need to get up and walk away. I always thought it was just a fantasy, but is it something more?
The truth is, I don’t know if I want to be a doctor. I don’t know if I want to be in med school. I don’t know if this is what I want or if it’s what my parents want.
But my other truth is, I don’t know what else to do. If I wasn’t here, where would I be? What would I do?
I wish there was some magical answer to these questions. And I know there isn’t, and that the beauty is in the exploration. But I just feel so lost lately. I feel like I’ve spent so much of my life letting other people make decisions for me that I don’t know how to do this now. And all of my blog posts have been about this, so I know I’m just running around in a circle, but I don’t know how to get out.
And I don’t want to be this helpless little girl. I want to be strong, I want to be bold, I want to be sure of myself and my decisions. But I don’t know how.
Am I just wasting my time?