Not to decide is to decide.

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It’s been a struggle, but I’ve been trying to work on being stronger. I’ve been trying to work on making decisions and standing by them. I’ve been trying to work on being sure of myself and the choices I make. I’m sick of being so feeble, like a flower or piece of grass that sways in whichever direction the wind blows. But I find that to be a challenge and I wonder if everyone struggles with this or if it’s just me. These internal struggles are ones I probably should have dealt with when I was 16 years old but didn’t because I was pretty lazy and didn’t really have a mind of my own. Now here at 22, I find myself going through those same phases as a preteen. I’m stuck in some Freudian phase of life because I haven’t overcome some obstacle. I learned about this in psych where you can only advance to the next level in life until you beat the current one. I guess I’m stuck on identity. Womp womp. Cue the sad violin music now where I whine about life some more.

Truth is, if you want to be strong you just got to be strong. (Great grammar, I know) If you want something, you just got to go get it. My problem is that I have no idea what I want. I know I’d like to one day be a wife, and mom and have a gazillion kids and shower them all with my love and good food, but what do I want to do with my life. Me. What do I want to do with me? I like the idea of being a doctor. I like the idea of being able to help people, but I’m so unsure of everything. I second guess all my decisions, what the hell am I going to do when it’s someone’s life I’m dealing with? In that situation, you’ve got to make a call and it has to be the right one. Obviously, doctors aren’t God and sometimes you make a bad call, but you need to stand by that call and you need to prove why you thought that was the right one. That’s not my forte. I’m really passive aggressive (I’ve been working on that). I second guess my decisions and I’ve pretty much based my decisions on what the people around me do.

I’m not trying to bash myself or it’s not about having low self-esteem, it’s about being aware of who you are, both the good and the bad. And lately, I’ve been figuring this all out. I didn’t always realize I had these flaws, but now that I see them, I’m trying to do something about them and better myself. It’s embarrassing talking about them and even writing it on this anonymous blog, because I wish I could say I was stronger and better. But the only way to get better is to face your demons head on and be better.

Med school is scary. I have to accept about $85,000 in loans for this coming year and I don’t know if I want to. I want a job where I can help people. I want a job that challenges me and prompts me to go deeper and learn more. I want a job where I make money and I can support the family I hope to have one day. I don’t believe in depending on someone else to support me because I’ve done it my whole life but now it’s time to grow. It’s time to be independent. It’s time to grow up. It’s time to finally make the call and decide if med school is for me because I’m sick of this wishy-washy bullshit. Because if I’m not a doctor, what am I? What do I do? What can I do with my life? I’m not like my brother who is a hustler. He has good instinct and can always find a way to make money to support himself (but he has no motivation to study). I’m the opposite, I love studying and learning and all that nonsense but I have no idea how to apply those things to real life or how to monetize what I know.

So here’s another post where I talk about finding myself and figuring out what I’m supposed to do with my life cause I have no freaking idea. Meh, I’m gonna watch a movie, this stresses me out.

 

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