“I speak my mind because that’s who I am.”
Time and time again, I’ve shut that statement down. I have ranted about how it’s a crutch people use to be mean.
Today, I justified my actions using that faulty reasoning. Today, I learned that it’s not only an excuse to be mean, it’s an excuse to be self-centered. A friend needed my support. She had a bad day and needed a friend to lean on. I didn’t necessarily agree with her argument, but in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t impact me all that much. Instead of being a friend, I lectured her to try to show her my perspective so she could learn why she was wrong. I turned her crummy day into a teaching opportunity to prove my point.
When I realized how unnecessary my comments were, my justification was “I am an honest person and I couldn’t just agree if I thought it was wrong. I speak my mind because that’s who I am.” Now, I’m not saying everyone should be a push-over and compromise their morals every time a friend disagrees and has a bad day. I’m saying, “pick your battles.” Know when it’s time to prove your point and when it’s time to simply be a supportive friend.
Today, I should’ve been a supportive friend.
It’s definitely strange hyper-analyzing every action I do. Honestly, this was a 2 text conversation that was about 5 minutes out of my entire day. I’m hoping I did some good things today too, but this one sticks out to me. It is, sometimes, very shameful to be aware of my flaws. I feel that no one ever talks about being the asshole, we always only speak up when we’re the victim of an asshole. But the more I grow up, the more I realize how much closer I lean to the asshole end of the spectrum than the victim of assholes end. But I don’t want to be there. My whole life I believed there were good people and bad people. I was one of the good ones. I don’t know where I lie anymore. I want to be a better person. Maybe I’ll start small.
I think I’m doing all I can on being a better daughter. I could probably work on being a better sister but that’s a situation I don’t know what to do with. So, what are some specific things I can do to be a better friend? I feel like this whole blog is me ranting about my issues and wanting to be a better person without making any real effort to be one. What are realistic goals I can set for myself to not be so shitty?
- Talk less, listen more.
- Don’t be that person who needs to “one up” everything.
- Choose your battles. What is important to you? What do you think is valuable and worth fighting for? What is not as important and worth the compromise?
Side note: Is it weird I have to do this? Is it weird I need to make a conscious effort to not be an asshole? It often feels that everyone has it together and I’m the only one that’s naturally a bag of dicks. I’m going to tell myself that many people are assholes and need to make bullet point lists on how to be less shit of a human being.