My First Love

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16

Throughout middle school and high school I had a Bible I used to read and jot notes in. I read that Bible and my notes today.

Man, I loved Christ. I loved him so much. He was my everything. He knew me on every level and loved me for who I was. He not just forgave, but wiped clean, all the wrongs I’ve committed or thought. No one has done that for me. It’s not possible for a human to forgive and forget like that, but he did. And more than that, he loved me. No one has ever loved me like that.

But then I learned the reason he loves me like no human can is because he’s not real. As Christians, we’re all these little psychopaths putting our love in this imaginary being, but it’s okay because millions of other people around the globe are doing it. But that’s also exactly what faith is. It’s not knowing, but believing anyway. And when you think about it, it’s insanity! It’s like your friend Jim saying he has this friend Bob he’s never seen, met, or spoken to, but he loves him and “talks” to him every day in his head.

And this was my biggest heart break. My God who loved me is not real. How could my parents and everyone in my life allow me to love so deeply something that’s not real? Why would they lead me to this eventual heartbreak?

But the sad truth is, even though I know he’s not real, a part of me still wants to believe. I want to believe there is something bigger than us out there. I want to believe in my God, the one I put all my hope in my whole life– and so I will. It makes no sense and I don’t think I’ll ever believe like I did when I was younger. But I have hope. It is a small glimmer of hope, but it’s there and it gives me peace. So I join the band of crazies and put my faith in this God and hope he still loves me.

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