For my mom

Mama,

The hardest part of getting older is forming my own opinions that are in conflict with yours. All I want is to make you and dad happy– to give you guys all the things you deserve in this life for making the sacrifices you did for me and Chach. It breaks me to see you doubt your decisions and ability as a parent.

Mom, I know that on my best day, I could not even come close to being half the woman you are. I wish you could see that, because I do.

I’m sorry for breaking your heart in the past and all the times that are to come. The only solace for my guilt is knowing that I will serve my penance if I am so lucky to have kids of my own one day.

I am so very lucky to call you my mom. I hope you are proud of me.

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26

 

Every year, I talk about the low points in the previous year and how the next will be better. Well, now, I’m older and now, I know better. The next year will not be better. The lowest of low points are still yet to come. I know I will hit a new rock bottom sometime in this coming year. But I also know that I will get through it.

Life is funny and life is hard. But life is also pretty fucking great. Things aren’t perfect or what I thought they would be when I was young and naive day-dreaming about the future– when I was young and naive making plans as if I had some control over them. And the reason why life is funny: Here I am, at 26, doing the same thing for 36 and 46 and all the years I hope are to come when I know the plans I make now won’t damn well mean a thing.

I have so much more to learn. I have so much more to grow. I am all of my failures, but I am also all of my successes. I am a little bit of a slut and I’m also a little bit of a prude. I am an asshole, but I am also kind and caring. I can not be reduced to one thing or one moment. And as always, I am eternally grateful for the people who give me a chance through all of those moments.

Happy 26th birthday.

 

My First Love

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16

I loved Christ. I loved him so much. He was my everything. He knew me on every level and loved me for who I was. He not just forgave, but wiped clean, all the wrongs I’ve committed or thought. No one has done that for me. It’s not possible for a human to forgive and forget like that, but he did. And more than that, he loved me. No one has ever loved me like that.

But then I learned the reason he loves me like no human can is because he’s not real. As Christians, we’re all these little psychopaths putting our love in this imaginary being, but it’s okay because millions of other people around the globe are doing it. But that’s also exactly what faith is. It’s not knowing, but believing anyway. And when you think about it, it’s insanity! It’s like your friend Jim saying he has this friend Bob he’s never seen, met, or spoken to, but he loves him and “talks” to him every day in his head.

And this was my biggest heart break. My God who loved me is not real. How could my parents and everyone in my life allow me to love so deeply something that’s not real? Why would they lead me to this eventual heartbreak?

But the sad truth is, even though I know he’s not real, a part of me still wants to believe. I want to believe there is something bigger than us out there. I want to believe in my God, the one I put all my hope in my whole life– and so I will. It makes no sense and I don’t think I’ll ever believe like I did when I was younger. But I have hope. It is a small glimmer of hope, but it’s there and it gives me peace. So I join the band of crazies and put my faith in this God and hope he still loves me.

I used to be able to read this thing. Now, I can barely stomach one or two posts.
Look, future Shay, right now, you’re feeling pretty crummy. You’re lonely, but you also feel like a shit person and friend so you don’t deserve the few friends you have. Overall, you’re pretty depressed. [Next part: Redacted due due to whininess and the fact that some thoughts should stay thoughts]

Thus, your posts in this phase of life are excessively whiny and juvenile. Ha?

Just run with it and hopefully it ends soon.

Phases

I’ve been through a lot of phases in my life. Changed my beliefs like I was changing my underwear.

 

Not much else to this post. I just wanted to remind myself the extent of my dumbassness/douchebaggery. It keeps me humble.