Birthday: Year 5

Today is March 8, 2017. I have been 25 for one whole day. I have gleaned much experience as a 25 year old in these 24 hours. Just kidding. You might as well call me Jon Snow because I know nothing.

It’s actually getting difficult to write in here, but I was consistent for 4 years and I managed to miss this on my actual birthday yesterday (it was a HELL of a day, maybe one day I’ll write about it). What words of wisdom do I have to say for this one? It’s interesting, because as you get older and the more you learn, the more you realize how little you actually know.

It’s finals week (I’m in pharmacy school, guys! Who would’ve thought?), so my brain is a little scrambled. But this post will be dedicated to my friends who are reminding me what friendship is– my friends who make me feel like ass because I realized I have never in my life been a friend to someone the way they are to me– my friends who have been my rock through both the nightmares and wonders of being in your 20s and in professional school.

When I moved to Savannah, I wanted to keep my head down and just power through school. Blah blah blah failures, embarrassment, shame (you know the drill), but these girls wormed their way into my life and into my heart and I am a better person for it.

It’s been a quarter of a century and it’s been a fucking roller coaster. I often feel the panic bubbling inside because I am 25. I should be getting my affairs in order to settle down in a few years, but I feel so far from that. My brain is running a 1ooo miles/minute constantly, I don’t even know where I’ll be living in a few months, how am I supposed to know what I’ll be doing in 2 years? Marriage, kids, a family, my career, my parent’s happiness— All of this is looming over my head, and I have no answers. I have nothing to end this paragraph with to give me solace or closure because I’m going through this now in real time. I’m not editing a vlog a day later to create a storyline, this is LIVE STREAM, baby (let’s see how these references hold up with time).

Happy (belated) 25th birthday, Shay. (Is it weird that I write birthday posts to myself? Meh, just pretend someone wrote this for me and I’m not a crazy person. I have friends, I SWEAR. I’m not making these people up. I think. God, I hope not. Now, that would be a plot twist).

Advertisements

Christmas

 

As the end of 2016 approaches, I find myself reminiscing on the past year, replaying the significant moments over and over again in my head. What could I have done different? How could I have been better?

2016, like the past few years, is one I look back on solemnly. I don’t know if this is just a part of growing up or something I’m experiencing alone, but I find myself more disappointed in who I’m growing up to be. Once upon a time, I believed I was a good person, but I don’t know what that means to me anymore.

My life has been filled with failures. I never got into med school in the United States. I failed out of the one I did get into in the Caribbean. I failed in many of my friendships. I failed as a Christian. I failed as a leader to the kids in my church. 2016 highlighted those failures and solidified my status as a certified asshole– not just in the big events, but in all the small moments. All the times I said “let me know how I can help” with no intention of following through. All the times I talked about people behind their backs and ate into gossip. All the times, I stood with no morals swaying in whatever direction the wind blew.

In 2017, I’ll be turning 25. I’d like to spend the next year in joy with pride in who I am and what I have. Man, I’m so blessed. We had a huge Christmas party at my house with friends and family. I just finished my 2nd semester of pharmacy school. I’ve met some great friends who are reminding me what friendship really is. This is not at all how I thought my life would turn out and I’m not the person I thought I would be today, but I’d like to end the year accepting who and where I am.

Merry Christmas.

Marriage

Does marriage scare anyone else? Not even the falling in love and spending your life with another person part– I have no idea or expectations for what that psycho-ness will feel like but I can imagine I’d go with it as it comes.

The part I dread is the marriage of two families, specifically “the daughter leaving to the groom’s side.” My parents did too good of a job making me love them. I don’t ever want to leave or upset our dynamic. The way things are right now may not be perfect, but it’s perfect to me. When you’re married and you visit home, things aren’t the same. I can’t go knock on my brother’s door, bother him while he’s sleeping and read him Harry Potter. Going back home won’t be like how it is when it’s just me coming home from school. There’s this whole other person who has to fit into our routine.

Moreover, I have to fit into someone else’s family and call them mom and dad? That’s still the weirdest thing to me. I want to marry someone one day, but you keep your family, I’ll keep mine and we can create a new 3rd separate one because there is absolutely no way in hell I’m leaving mine.

Obviously this post is childish and immature– I’d think marriage is far more nuanced that what I’m complaining about. The ideal situation was as I first described, a marriage of two families. I’m not leaving, he’s not leaving, we’re just expanding.

But let me be scared of it for now.

 

Karma

The greatest aspect of humanity is that we don’t get “what we deserve.” We are all flawed. We all inflict pain on our loved ones time and time again. If we received what we truly deserved– if karma really existed, we would live in a never ending constant hell. But we’re not robots. There is no formula to determine what pain or blessing someone receives. We forgive in spite of what is truly deserved. It is what makes us human. We love, so we forgive because no one is perfect.