As the end of 2016 approaches, I find myself reminiscing on the past year, replaying the significant moments over and over again in my head. What could I have done different? How could I have been better?
2016, like the past few years, is one I look back on solemnly. I don’t know if this is just a part of growing up or something I’m experiencing alone, but I find myself more disappointed in who I’m growing up to be. Once upon a time, I believed I was a good person, but I don’t know what that means to me anymore.
My life has been filled with failures. I never got into med school in the United States. I failed out of the one I did get into in the Caribbean. I failed in many of my friendships. I failed as a Christian. I failed as a leader to the kids in my church. 2016 highlighted those failures and solidified my status as a certified asshole– not just in the big events, but in all the small moments. All the times I said “let me know how I can help” with no intention of following through. All the times I talked about people behind their backs and ate into gossip. All the times, I stood with no morals swaying in whatever direction the wind blew.
In 2017, I’ll be turning 25. I’d like to spend the next year in joy with pride in who I am and what I have. Man, I’m so blessed. We had a huge Christmas party at my house with friends and family. I just finished my 2nd semester of pharmacy school. I’ve met some great friends who are reminding me what friendship really is. This is not at all how I thought my life would turn out and I’m not the person I thought I would be today, but I’d like to end the year accepting who and where I am.
Does marriage scare anyone else? Not even the falling in love and spending your life with another person part– I have no idea or expectations for what that psycho-ness will feel like but I can imagine I’d go with it as it comes.
The part I dread is the marriage of two families, specifically “the daughter leaving to the groom’s side.” My parents did too good of a job making me love them. I don’t ever want to leave or upset our dynamic. The way things are right now may not be perfect, but it’s perfect to me. When you’re married and you visit home, things aren’t the same. I can’t go knock on my brother’s door, bother him while he’s sleeping and read him Harry Potter. Going back home won’t be like how it is when it’s just me coming home from school. There’s this whole other person who has to fit into our routine.
Moreover, I have to fit into someone else’s family and call them mom and dad? That’s still the weirdest thing to me. I want to marry someone one day, but you keep your family, I’ll keep mine and we can create a new 3rd separate one because there is absolutely no way in hell I’m leaving mine.
Obviously this post is childish and immature– I’d think marriage is far more nuanced that what I’m complaining about. The ideal situation was as I first described, a marriage of two families. I’m not leaving, he’s not leaving, we’re just expanding.
But let me be scared of it for now.
After what has seemed like a lifetime of failures, a win feels pretty nice.
Happy hunting, friends <3
The greatest aspect of humanity is that we don’t get “what we deserve.” We are all flawed. We all inflict pain on our loved ones time and time again. If we received what we truly deserved– if karma really existed, we would live in a never ending constant hell. But we’re not robots. There is no formula to determine what pain or blessing someone receives. We forgive in spite of what is truly deserved. It is what makes us human. We love, so we forgive because no one is perfect.
I posted awhile ago “If everyone you meet is an asshole, you’re the asshole” and briefly touched upon the fact I might be an asshole. I never really believed it, though. I thought I was weird or socially awkward, but never an asshole or jerk.
It’s 5 am. I can’t sleep. I just had an epiphany. I. Am. The. Asshole.
And it’s the worst kind of asshole. A nice asshole. A smiling, I think I’m the bees knees asshole.
Dammit, and everyone knew except me!!
I always believed if you had good intentions you’re okay. What the heck do good intentions even mean???? If you’re an A-hole cause you’re too ignorant to realize, you’re still an A-hole. Just an a-hole that hasn’t yet realized it. I don’t know why I decided to censor this post half way through.
This is word vomit at its truest. Pure shit spewing out of the asshole of my face. Actually, I’m not talking now just typing. The assholes of my hand? Ew imagine if our fingers were really assholes?
Alright. Well, I see 24 is going to be all about super low self esteem cause I’ve been feeling really shitty about myself lately. I think the ignorance I’ve lived in for so long is finally coming undone. Bring it back, please. Ignorance is bliss. I miss sleeping well.
Sidebar: I think it’s because my whole life, my insecurities have been physical. I’ve been too vapid and shallow, concerning myself with new diets, hair methods, skin treatments or makeup tips to realize my slow descent into solidified asshole status. Wait, this isn’t a sidebar at all. Perfectly consistent with the theme of this piece. I call it “Asshole’s Insomnia”
Writing this makes me feel better. But how do I fix this?? Being a Christian before made it so easy. I just had to pray and seek forgiveness from that higher power and my slate was wiped clean. How do I seek forgiveness from ALL the people in my life? I don’t even know what to ask forgiveness for?? Where do I begin?